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Look at me. lololol. LULZ. I have been an avid reader, occasional poster and extremely responder of the personals for about a year now, and I've noticed some common (and hilarious) threads of interest among the women of Akron. I'd like to take a minute to break it down for you, ghetto style, so you can recognize the following horrific cliches and just maybe avoid getting flagged as spam. ReadySetGo!! "Seeking a man that's at least 8 feet tall. I like to wear high heels" - Damn, totally boned here. I'm only 6'1" or maybe 6'2", apparently equaling "somewhere between and elf, and therefore undatable", even though the average American male height is 5'10. And 8 feet tall? What kind of shoes are you wearing anyway? Some shit from the lunar landing? Next. . . "Must love " -- Great. . . You mean I have to pretend to like your floofy poodle/chihuahua/norway rat mixed breed long enough to maybe earn some kisses? Or that huge mastiff that's physiy capable of kicking me out of your bed? How about the cat that's contemplating using my balls as a scratching post every time I walk around in my boxers? I think I'll exit stage right before the fucker eats my socks again. "Looking for a God-fearing man" -- I get the biggest kick out of this one. Why would you be afraid of your own imaginary friend? Seems like you'd better imagine something a little less hostile. How about a conversation I'd suggest Smurf. "Must like the outdoors" -- Barring a select few dweebs I've met that live in their parents' basement and mainline Mountain Dew so they can play World of for 87 hours straight, most human beings like being outside at some point. Sure, I'll go for a day hike with you. Does that mean I want to live in the woods for a month and wipe my ass with a pine cone? No thanks! "Looking for friends first" -- Cool, I'm always down for more friends. Wait, what's that you say? Your hot friend Brittany is single? Excuse me while I ask her for her number. "Must love " -- Unlike the mighty lion (who will and eat from rival males) I say the more , the better! We can open our own sweatshop and they can make you shoes. I being the manager! "I like having fun" -- Whew, what a relief! I'm meeting too many people these days that think having fun sucks. I'm a big fan of fun myself! We have so much in common. "Must like to dance" -- Really? Have you ever met a straight guy that wants to go dancing? Wait, I take that back. I do know one guy, but he's from or something. Come to think of it, he's probably gay. That's right, --I've got you figured out. "I like going out, but also enjoy staying in for a quiet night at home" --That's great, because staying home or going out and doing something are much the only two options you have. So in conclusion, I say the luck of the be with you lovely ladies of Akron in your search for a badass - lookalike that will dance the with Mr. Cuddlekins the Poodle whilst purchasing you an all-exopenses-paid vacation to Maui. Just keep in mind that Mr. is only 5'10. ****Oh, and if you can break the bounds of the above mentioned issues (and you're hot) send me an . We can trade pictures or baseball cards. But no trade backs. Men quit fucking mailing me. I am totally a guy. WTF?
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